I have had to confront this with myself, specifically of late.

I have had to think whether I define myself or others define me.

Do I define my value, or do you?

Well, after 35 years and counting, I think I can answer this question.

I do.

I have a desire to be desired, loved, liked, admired, valued, depended on, etc as do most people. But…

I cannot let others define me.

I cannot let others value of me, be my value.

I have always preached that if people(friends, etc) do not want to be around me, they shouldn’t. I really only want people around me that want to be. Be it 1 person, or 100.

That old cliche, it’s really not quantity, it’s quailty. I think here it is true.

I value me. And I value people that value me. That value my friendship, that value my heart, that value my loyalty, that value my very being.

There are people that will decide I am not worthy of them. Their prerogative for sure.

But I cannot take any one elses hang ups, issues, opinions unto myself.

I can only be the person I am. Flawed, caring, loyal, sarcastic, smart, flakey, aloof, independent, provacative.

Knowing oneself, valuing oneself is something that is a continuous challenge for me. The confidence in my own value. Not letting anyone else through their attention, or lack there of make me think, I am not worthy. Be it professionally or personally.

Life is not easy. Being true to yourself, at every turn is not easy. Loving yourself, valuing yourself, is not easy.

But it is so important. It is what I need to do, to want to wake up each day. To want to live. To want to love. To want to chase that life that I most want.

My deepest desire, my ever long goal, is to chase my bliss. To be passionate, to be bold, to be myself.

Love life, love you, love me. We are all worth it. Value you.

…It shouldn’t be so difficult…whatever…easy is good…

Girls are crazy……..myself included…

Life can be both achingly slow, and excessively fast…all at the same time…….

Rock is sex………….does there need to be any more to that bit?! lol…

Cool is an attitude…Hottness is perception…the Beholder grants both…

Happiness is our own to have or leave…at our own volition…

Reality…is ours…

Love…is bliss.

Yes, I know I need to…

I have posted ads everywhere…as previously blogged/stipulated…

But, my people…I suck at actually pulling the trigger and making dates…

And even when I do, I often don’t go on more than one with the blokes(ha ha, such a funny term, blokes)…

If I don’t like ’em, I don’t bother with more…just like that book…just not that into you…It’s quid pro quo, no!? lol…

It is quite simply, hard to meet new people, friends, co workers, etc…not least of all folks you may want to have a deeper connection with. Dating can suck…but if you meet the right person, it can be fabulous…or all end in a mired mess…lol, such is life. It is not neat nor predictable.

But it is scary. New people. New emotions…new new new…sigh…lol…fabulous and horrendous all at the same time.

Have I mentioned before it is all too much!? Yet not enough…

I have forced myself in this new year to take a slight step out of my insular world and shell, and to do more than talk about it here…(never did meet more than one or two of the CL guys last year…eepers!)

Of late, have I dated many or just one!? Well that is mine to know…and if you are lucky, yours to find out;) Ha ha…just joshin…

My reality, not so mysterious…if you know me, just ask…if you are just randomly reading…well, you can imagine whatever you like…

A note…those Sex and the City girls…(the characters)…noone I know in reality gets that much action…not by an exponential amount…just sayin…lol…that would be tiring…….

And…noone has that many great pairs of shoes………..

“Hello……..lova!” (You must be an SATC fan to get this, lol)

Your friendly excessive blogger come oh so innocent groupie…..

~ems
xoxo

Mind whirling…

Tic Toc…

Inability to properly focus…

Any of this sound familiar?

Anticipation…

That sweet ache…

So much we anticipate…

What am I currently anticipating…

Well am currently dating…

Dating is a merry go round of anticipation, of uncertaintly…a mentally exhaustive exercise…

It is almost too much…

Why do we do it?

I suppose because we desire…

We want…

To chase our bliss…

But holy fucking cow(lol)………………..it really is almost too much…

The questions constantly swirling in my head: does he like me, does he want me…do I like him, do I want him…?!?!?

The fantasy…will reality measure up?

The reality…are we ready for it?

The risk…if it doesn’t work out…if it does…?

Sigh…and we keep coming back for more…

The nerves on edge, for that chance…we anticipate…

We cannot stop…

So, I am a single gal in the city…

I have tried online dating half heartedly, I admit.

Match.com, yeah, signed up!

True.com ….been there, done that!

Eharmony…. who can finish that grueling personality survey?!?!? eeps!

So, I just posted a personal ad on Craigslist, Seattle… I figure, what can it hurt… minimally, it could be amusing….

Here is what I wrote:

Are you tall? You must be tall…I like to wear heels…humor! – 34

You must get my humor……….and not hate that I overuse ellipses; they are irresistible. I love the city, and hope you do too…it is a beautiful fun place. Music…must like music…rock is my favorite–love live shows. Travel…traveling is good…it gets you out into the world…everyone should have a passport…Pretty soon, if you don’t, you won’t even be able to go to Canada…the horror! I love photography…that is random, but true…I am learning to shoot a SLR as we speak(well not this very second, as I am writing, but generally). Are you real, or a figment of someone’s imagination? Does that sound like a ridiculous question? It is. You should be smart, normal, tall, dark and deathly hot…well, at least tall. I like to wear heels after all. I am a nice gal, I hope…I like people who are cool and want to have a good time. I am as serious or not serious as needed… Would love to meet anyone. No fuss, no muss. I am low mainenance (read not demanding) but like nice things, nice places, and nice people…I have a dry sense of humor…and have even been called a smart alec on a work review(?)…I like to think I am pretty…but really, who am I to judge…a troll to some, a goddess to others…a reflection to myself. The facts: I am half latina, half white…in reality a mix of many different things. I am single. I am 5′ 6″. I am not petite, rather a girl with a real figure and curves…if you like model slim I am not your girl–I want to feed the hollywood girls some cheesecake…but I do not have to shop in special stores, or sizes… If you must know what I look like…those are my feet…a view on the beach where I would love to be…And myself in S Korea last year…the last, is me…self portrait…I can provide other pics on request…I would expect the same courtesy. If you have read this far…well, you know the drill…

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/w4m/419223311.html

I was feeling amused with myself, clearly…not sure anyone will ‘get it’ or me, for that matter.

But ya know, nothing ventured, nothing gained. I once sent an email off to a guy on match, and his response was that we lacked chemistry….uhm, ok… we never met… EVS!

I now have an email full of responses. I fear a little what type of responses I will have gotten. But remember, humor cures all worries.

The answer to this blog coming soon! Pray I live to tell about it;)