I have had to confront this with myself, specifically of late.

I have had to think whether I define myself or others define me.

Do I define my value, or do you?

Well, after 35 years and counting, I think I can answer this question.

I do.

I have a desire to be desired, loved, liked, admired, valued, depended on, etc as do most people. But…

I cannot let others define me.

I cannot let others value of me, be my value.

I have always preached that if people(friends, etc) do not want to be around me, they shouldn’t. I really only want people around me that want to be. Be it 1 person, or 100.

That old cliche, it’s really not quantity, it’s quailty. I think here it is true.

I value me. And I value people that value me. That value my friendship, that value my heart, that value my loyalty, that value my very being.

There are people that will decide I am not worthy of them. Their prerogative for sure.

But I cannot take any one elses hang ups, issues, opinions unto myself.

I can only be the person I am. Flawed, caring, loyal, sarcastic, smart, flakey, aloof, independent, provacative.

Knowing oneself, valuing oneself is something that is a continuous challenge for me. The confidence in my own value. Not letting anyone else through their attention, or lack there of make me think, I am not worthy. Be it professionally or personally.

Life is not easy. Being true to yourself, at every turn is not easy. Loving yourself, valuing yourself, is not easy.

But it is so important. It is what I need to do, to want to wake up each day. To want to live. To want to love. To want to chase that life that I most want.

My deepest desire, my ever long goal, is to chase my bliss. To be passionate, to be bold, to be myself.

Love life, love you, love me. We are all worth it. Value you.

I would counter…

Recently, a friend has made me think. I know, watch out…a random ramble is sure to be forthcoming…lol;)

ok, seriously though…what is normal? Do any of us really want to be, normal?

Why?

Anyway, what inspired me to this, is a friends birthday post…about their life, what they have done, been through, etc. Hasn’t been an easy life. But is life supposed to be easy? Kind of like, should we want to be normal?

I would say, no. The most interesting people, I have ever met, are quirky odd people. People that inspire me due to their strengths.

In part, my own parents. They were/are good people. They did not have easy lives.

My father came from a littered bit of a broken home. His own father, well, he never really knew(though they met a few times); he had no love loss for him. This man was more than a bit flawed, and for sure did my grandmother wrong. Following that, a step father, who was more than a bit challenging to their family.

His mother, my grandmother…well she is my hero. She still lives…has seen both my father and her step son pass. Has persevered through 2 earlier marriages, that while they gave her 2 beautiful boys, and a step son, were no joyride. 2 husbands that anyone would have rather not dealt with what she had to battle through. All through that, she worked, she owned her own business, she put bread on the table, and so much more. She finally met my grandfather(the only one I ever knew), my dads step dad, who she has been married to, just shy of 50 years. They have had a wonderful life. But grams, lived through the depression and a couple loser husbands before all that. She triumphed over the first few hands she was dealt before she got her winning hand. She is strong, she is brave, she is more than I could ever hope to be. These were just a few of her challenges…there were many many more. But she is one of those people, that show me that there is no quit in life. I am sure she always dreampt of a white picket fence life. But that is not what life gave her. But it is not matter, you figure it out, and you make it work.

My dad saw how his mother made it through life, and it shaped what he wanted out of life, I think. He wanted a solid home, a family that was valued above all else. He worked and lived for us. We always went on family, non extravagent, vacations, we always ate at the dinner table together, we watched tv together; he pushed both my sister and I constantly to do well in school and follow our potential through to a college education. He was proud of us. He was critical, sure, but it was always with love. I think in someways, he wanted what was “normal”. But quite honestly, what we had was so much more. I value that. Not everyone got what we did growing up. I still miss him; but what he gave to us, I will forever be grateful and cherish. He taught me love and commitment. Strength and loyalty. And he taught me, yes, just a bit…about being a smart ass;)

My mother…her story is I think, so fun, interesting, heart wrenching and inspiring. She grew up in an imperfect family. My grandfather(RIP) was no saint(though some would argue). My grandmother(RIP), who grew up more than a bit spoiled, raised a family under conditions and settings and events, I don’t think she ever imagined would transpire. On her passing, we read some of the love letters her and my grandfather exchanged in the early days of their courtship. It was so strange reading the prologue to their lifes story. The hearts and flowers and romance of it all. Well, like we all know, life does not end with folks going off into the the sunset, living happily after all. Life is full of both glory and agony. There was much of that in their story. Some truly horrible things, that are too personal to share. But, aside from that…there were times my family worked in the fields, lost their house, were hungry, were left wondering, why? But my mothers mother, this grandmother, was also one of my heros in life, she still is even as she has passed. She triumped over an imperfect husband of more than 50 years, raised 5 children and several foster children in sometimes exceedingly challenging circumstances…she lived to see many many great grandchildren–though she always wanted more more more(sorry grams!). She suffered, she loved, she was there for so many of our family when they needed her most; I can only wish we had all been there for her a bit more.

I think her choices and her life, always guided my mother. My mother who grew up, and I swear partied more than I ever did, through her 20’s…lived a fun life following her youth. Who was unafraid. Who also then, had to conquer additional health challenges(in her youth, in her 20’s, and ever since a varied slew of challenges physically). Mom was always extremely strong in her beliefs. I think it is in part a result of her being the middle child. She was an observer. She knew what she wanted and what she did not. Always has been that way. Her and dad often clashed as I think they had such strong fundamental personalities. But it is also what kept them together. Their shared value on family. Their love of us, and of each other.

They are my example. They were not normal. I see normal every day. The were extraordinary in many many ways, even as they were imperfect.

I struggle constantly with where I am in life. I often find I am nowhere. What the hell am I doing. Sometimes I think I am far too normal. I go to work, I don’t do anything crazy, I just am. I hate drama. But sometimes life needs a little drama.

I am one of those people, perhaps that has had it easy. I never did drugs, rebellion, casual sex, etc etc… Not because I am necessarily above any of it, it was simply never a choice I had to make. Never got offered any of it! Never…seriously. LOL.

I think when I have done some crazy things in recent times, it has been with maturity, and my eyes wide open. I know who I am. I am not reckless, but I hope, I am not normal either. My path is still uncertain. I hope to find where I am going. Who I am will be who I am, when life takes me there.

In the end, people, I believe in Carpe Diem…sieze the day, live your life, it’s the only one you got. I am going to live mine. Hopefully, I don’t fall asleep along the way…if I do, please…wake me up!!

xoxo

…It shouldn’t be so difficult…whatever…easy is good…

Girls are crazy……..myself included…

Life can be both achingly slow, and excessively fast…all at the same time…….

Rock is sex………….does there need to be any more to that bit?! lol…

Cool is an attitude…Hottness is perception…the Beholder grants both…

Happiness is our own to have or leave…at our own volition…

Reality…is ours…

Love…is bliss.

My most recent Itunes purchase…I can’t get these songs out of my head…

I may be a rock girl…but I will go super sugary sweet pop on occasion……..

Starting strong…

The Pretender – Foo Fighters <---must see live

Slightly more catchy kitch…

Paralyzer – Finger Eleven <---majorly addicted to this song

Ok, now hold onto your trenchcoats… I know the Platinumback(ha ha) is the fave snark of some…but I adore the song …

Rockstar – Nickleback <--- da lyrics are tres true!!! lmao...it kills me...

Now for the MAJOR kitchy catch poppy gooey mess…

Um-br-ella-ella-ella – Rihanna <---hey, I live in Seattle...and I don't wear parkas!

Glamorous – Fergie <---spell it girl...I'm flying first class...mmm hmm, I wish...

And to reign(ha ha) it all back into semi respectability…

Anyone Else But You – The Moldy Peaches <---thank you preggers teenagers...lol Sigh...

And to wrap it all up…of the aforementioned…I adore the saccharine sweet some may say cliche lyrics of Rockstar…and you know…I am all about those dirty boys;)

Yes, I know I need to…

I have posted ads everywhere…as previously blogged/stipulated…

But, my people…I suck at actually pulling the trigger and making dates…

And even when I do, I often don’t go on more than one with the blokes(ha ha, such a funny term, blokes)…

If I don’t like ’em, I don’t bother with more…just like that book…just not that into you…It’s quid pro quo, no!? lol…

It is quite simply, hard to meet new people, friends, co workers, etc…not least of all folks you may want to have a deeper connection with. Dating can suck…but if you meet the right person, it can be fabulous…or all end in a mired mess…lol, such is life. It is not neat nor predictable.

But it is scary. New people. New emotions…new new new…sigh…lol…fabulous and horrendous all at the same time.

Have I mentioned before it is all too much!? Yet not enough…

I have forced myself in this new year to take a slight step out of my insular world and shell, and to do more than talk about it here…(never did meet more than one or two of the CL guys last year…eepers!)

Of late, have I dated many or just one!? Well that is mine to know…and if you are lucky, yours to find out;) Ha ha…just joshin…

My reality, not so mysterious…if you know me, just ask…if you are just randomly reading…well, you can imagine whatever you like…

A note…those Sex and the City girls…(the characters)…noone I know in reality gets that much action…not by an exponential amount…just sayin…lol…that would be tiring…….

And…noone has that many great pairs of shoes………..

“Hello……..lova!” (You must be an SATC fan to get this, lol)

Your friendly excessive blogger come oh so innocent groupie…..

~ems
xoxo

However, I found this one quite interesting…that is when I wasn’t (pleasantly) distracted by my date……….

But we will leave that for another time perhaps…

Movies…I really have gotten out of the habit of going in the last couple years…but I do love them…

Even bad movies have value. I love the escape, the far off locations…it is a bit like a 2hour vacation every time. Fantasy, comedy, drama, action…pure escape…bigger than life. It envelopes you…

Colin’s character, in this film, did not appreciate the gloriously historic surroundings…though everyone else in the movie did…but then, he was but an inept hitman who really just wanted to get a pint and get laid…

I am not sure he ever got the second…sadly. Clearly, his character was not of his own clear charms(I mean how sexy is that Irish accent!?)…

Anywho, I would give this film *** stars…not the best, but very intriguing in its characters…definitley a character piece, not anything epic, nor earthshattering…but interesting and quirky…and oft times quite amusing.

Ralph Fiennes comes in for last portion of the film…so funny…these hit men almost have a heart…but then, not really? Or do they?

Anyways…my message? Go to the movies. They are the cheapest vacation you will ever go on!

http://imdb.com/title/tt0780536/
http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1809826831/info
http://www.cinematical.com/2008/01/18/sundance-review-in-bruges/

Mind whirling…

Tic Toc…

Inability to properly focus…

Any of this sound familiar?

Anticipation…

That sweet ache…

So much we anticipate…

What am I currently anticipating…

Well am currently dating…

Dating is a merry go round of anticipation, of uncertaintly…a mentally exhaustive exercise…

It is almost too much…

Why do we do it?

I suppose because we desire…

We want…

To chase our bliss…

But holy fucking cow(lol)………………..it really is almost too much…

The questions constantly swirling in my head: does he like me, does he want me…do I like him, do I want him…?!?!?

The fantasy…will reality measure up?

The reality…are we ready for it?

The risk…if it doesn’t work out…if it does…?

Sigh…and we keep coming back for more…

The nerves on edge, for that chance…we anticipate…

We cannot stop…

This year, I want to see if I can do these 5 things…they are not that hard! I should be able to. And I think, they would be good for me.

Let us see how it goes!

http://ems2008newyearsresolutions.blogspot.com/

This was on TV……in Canada! lmao…yes, I crossed borders to see an Aussie Band…..in Canada!

Less likely to make me “famous”(as if the other is moreso! lol)…just youtube, no tv…praise be:)

Am I a *star* yet?!?!

It is no secret we have become obsessed with celebrity culture. The more than a decade anniversary of Princess Dianna’s death reminds of this in no uncertain terms.

Ratchet that up a notch? Try reality TV. Where we put “real” people, in front of the camera, to be consumed by the masses. It’s a great profit for broadcast…much lower overhead than scripted tv, etc. But is it dangerous, healthy, or good TV? I think the answer is yes, yes, yes! Sometimes, more of one than the other, but…

And I am not preaching here…I am a huge fan of some of these shows. And am meh, about many others.

My favorites over the years ~ MTV’s pioneer series: The Real World (ha ha!), Rockstar, The Hills, Rock of Love, Project Runway… There have been others…but those are the ones I still watch! (new / old). Arguablly the most popular over the years have been Survivor, Amazing Race, Big Brother, American Idol. I have watched the latter 3 some, and recognize their success. Remember some of the others: The Bachelor, Joe Millionaire, The Osbournes, The Newlyweds(lmao, didn’t work out so well after, eh!?), Road Rules, etc, etc.

All of these things have created a new kind of celebrity. Talented or not. What it has also born, is a new type of fan. Or maybe it is a new level of fanaticism. Again, not counting myself out here. If anything, being a fan of some of these folks, I think it gives me unique insights…And I am nothing if not critical of myself! Know when thyself is crazy, ya know?

So anyway, to my point…and yes, I do have one!

What has this new “reality” done to us? It seems, in some cases is has let these “real” people right into our living rooms. I think the TV star(scripted) has always inserted itself more deeply into our consciousness than the fabulousness of the movie stars…that seem just out of reach. But, it would seem that these “real” people bring us in, just a bit closer, no?

We learn all about their lives. Their foibles, their fears, their inner demons, their dramaramas… We see what we think is their “true” character, revealed to us on these series. And for the truly enamored, read: somewhat obsessed(again, include me right here!), there is an element that pushes all of this one step further… Cyberspace! So, take the equation: “real” people + edited for entertainment drama only + fans that read and post about your every move…what does that equal?

It equals a hyper “reality” . But is any of this real? Take one of my favorite shows in the aforementioned: Rockstar. I loved that show. It is so accessible in my opinion. Rock music. Hot musicians. Colorful, fast, spectacular. (We won’t lament here that they have not renewed it for a third season–wahh!). But it wasn’t just music. It included, in addition to live performances… a peek into the weekly trials of the competition, “back at the mansion”. Great, great TV. And they had great material. The first season’s winner, featured that too cute bad boy: JD Fortune from Canada. The second season, the skunk hair faux hawked Lukas Rossi, also from the North, eh. Add in the bunch: other would be rockstars, all tattooed, fighting over songs, calling each other out, saying one wanted it more than the others, others thinking they were better singers, and weekly excessive voting by the viewing masses… Freaking good TV.

Anyways, what goes with this, is that we think we know these guys. There are sites all over the internet on all these shows…dissing various people/contestants (on the competitive shows), lamenting their choices, and in many cases, carrying on into the post show. Folks send them gifts, etc. Fans meet these “real” people, and ask them questions about their personal lives. Judgments are made, movements are tracked. What was once saved for stalking the celebrities is now, the obsession, with these “real” people, as if we know them and are friends with them.

It is crazy. Fun crazy sometimes, but crazy nonetheless. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have met, so many fabulous people, being part of a fan community. I have enjoyed live concerts with folks that know how to party like nobody’s business! And yes, I have met some of these “real” people, from the TV! It has been a great ride, I will not diminish that.

But…but, it is so strange! That I know, who someone is dating(or doing, lol) when it is not public knowledge(read not in any tabloids), have corresponded with folks about some would say scandalous goings on behind the scenes. It is weird, when I see live, in front of my very eyes, folks acting as if they are ‘owed’ something from these “real” people, because they have supported them, because they know their birthdays, because they gave them gifts, because they paid alot of money…because they show off their boobies……………………….

When you see folks practically throwing down to scratch and claw their way to look into the eyes of these people that were introduced to them, or reintroduced to them via this medium, of reality tv…it is so strange. When folks use cyberspace to promote their cracked agendas, and their alternate realities about these “reality” tv personalities… It’s as if, we, the people, the fans, forget, these people are REAL.

They are not a “character”. They are simply human beings, that sure, have used TV to further themselves. But, that does not make them my best friend, and it does not make them need to tell you how their mom or dog is. They are not our friends, they are not our family. They are actors, doctors, singers, etc, that came to us, presenting a condensed version of themselves, that was then edited to a “reality” story, that producers wanted to show us. That is not “real” …that is TV.

Blurry, isn’t it? That’s life…that’s, “reality”.

For what more drama these “real” folks can blur themselves into obsession with, read: http://www.realityblurred.com/realitytv/

The shows, are getting more freaky! And I hate to say it, but maybe, so are we!